Have you ever been waiting at a stop light for the light to turn green at a busy intersection? People are hustling across the street, you’ve got to be somewhere in 3.5 seconds and you are first at the line!! …you look over to your right and notice that its beginning to flash a red hand…yes!!! its almost your turn you think!!! Then out of nowhere a couple of people start crossing as slow as rusty doorknobs and your light turns green and you have to wait for these rusty doorknob idgets and all you can think of is….. “Man they deserve negative life points for doing this”(-18) …or maybe if you are a little bit of bitch, “I wonder how many life points I would get if I hit them” (+ 32 depending on size) hmmmm
This is it my friends. Everyday we make choices and well shit just happens to happen to us too. This all progresses our life into a certain direction. And all of these things should be approached with a value. Being successful, falling in love, having a family, a home, a career…that’s nice and all, but I want some points.
….
Lifepoints….maybe this is the purpose everyone has been looking for
Week 1: April 13th- 20th, 2011
LPE*Life Points Earned*: 115.2
LPA: *Life Points Accumulated*: 115.2
1. Got into the hotel shower and noticed it was one of those hand held devices( Perfect for yum yum time…but no time.(-12) Turned it on, started squirting everyyyyyyyywhere uncontrollably so I turned the water off while I shampooed it up…but not until I created a small lake in the bathroom (-6). Got soap in my eyes,Burn burn burn.. couldn’t find the nobkins and knocked everything that was in the shower onto the floor. (-3)
2. Googled Vuvulzelas aka lepatata mamba as well as pictures of nose flutes +8
3. Decided if my vagina could have a superpower it would be Time travel….or the ability to speak any language +4
4. created a “Pepper sauce that Hoe” dance which involves pretending to pour pepper sauce on people and then them getting hot or stinging…+1
5. Got into a car and was successful in getting a stranger to play a game where we have a subject, they pick their top 3 favorite of that subject, and I give points according to what I think. They win or lose…either way three people played for well over an hour. +18
6. Read a Nickolas Sparks book. – 3
7. Stepped on a cockroach barefoot and killed it +22
8. realized the cockroach wasn’t dead 9 minutes later. -7( I get to keep the fifteen for stepping on it barefoot)
9. Idea: putting swing seats inside of cars to sit on. +5
10. Hadquadra boob all day because my bras don’t fit – 2
11. Fell asleep to the thought of me being a ninja warrior….+ 28( im fat, this was a good visual.
12. Woke up at 2 a.m. and texted 7 people “Friday Friday Friday…We we we so excited, fun fun fun, which seat should I pick!?” (ahhh Rebecca black…fuck subconscious Jillian) – 12
13. Literally got rolled into by a white car on my walk to work. Then the driver looked at me like nothing happened at all…maybe he thought he got extra life points for hitting chubby white meat? Or he was jealous of my teeth and hoping to knock some out cause he only had 5? Either way, I got hit by a car = + 35
14. Bought hotdogs labeled chicken yum yums +3
15. Realized that I went my entire day with mascara on only one eye -6
16. Made chili cheese dogs and funfetti cake for a friends birthday +4
17. Someone who came to the birthday pooed in my toilet and now the poo wont flush…- 2
18. Decided that I should start training for a half marathon…tomorrow + 13.2
19. Listened to Chris Rocks “No sex in the Champagne Room” + 5
20. Had a few more ideas, including clothing you can cook on( +6), a program where you can change the accent of any song…I want to hear Money Money Ha Ha in british(+12), as well as creating a movie just like toystory, only using adult toys..i can imagine woody being a big dildo, and buzzlightyear more of rabit….Mr potato head could be a cock ring and slinky would be analbeads= brilliant =+ 24
21. Decided that if a tornado picked me up and dropped me id want to land in a hi-ya kinda stance…but then remembered I am not chuck Norris. -15
22. Got 12 mosquito bites in the formation of delphinus constellation on my ass -3
23. Changed my razor and decided to test it out…on certain body parts..and lets just say I haven’t had a sharp razor in awhile and well I started shaving and a landing strip turned into naked. And now I feel like im 12. – 12
24. Had a hotdog and macncheese night for the kids in my neighborhood to celebrate end of the term!+11
25. Went to a Palm Sunday Service in ASL + 4
26. Found out that if you put a chicken nugget in a shoebox, leave corn and water it will turn into a real live chicken( +3)
27. Met a woman who literally named her baby after Justin Bieber – 8
Pick up line of the Week: “ ooo baby you are SOLID mmmm mmmmmmmmmmmm, don’t lose that, too much of that, don’t get small, just right…mmm, mmmmm mmmmmmmm” -2
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